making myself at home

July 4, 2013 by mrsjennyryan

Time certainly flies.

I have about a zillion thoughts I need to share about where I’ve been and why…and how this started as a straight-up craft blog but I started neglecting it when I felt frustrated and penned-in—because it didn’t really feel like “home” for me here. Like it wasn’t a completely honest or well-rounded representation of me to have a blog that was primarily a crafty venture. Cuz I enjoy blathering about and obsessing over OH so much more than that. Pop culture and gossip. Great books and my artistic fixations. Killer food and inner demons. Real life shit.

I felt frustrated that I wasn’t allowing myself to talk openly about things going on in my life, like how I was recovering mentally and physically after giving birth to a stillborn baby girl who was almost 6 months old. I found the balls to write about it for xoJane, where I wrote countless other things for about a year, but after writing that fateful article I went MIA there too.

Because? Well, the night I wrote that article was the night I took a pregnancy test that told me I was pregnant again. And I was terrified. My high-risk pregnancy was closely monitored, punctuated by daily injections, weekly blood tests, and a month-long bout of bedrest—and culminated with an emergency c-section as my daughter Vivian Anastasia Ryan made her untimely (yet deeply welcomed) appearance a little over three months early. She weighed 735 grams, was shorter than a Barbie doll, and had deep red skin so thin you could see the veins beneath it. And she was amazing.

VivianThen

After spending the first 10.5 months of her life in two different hospitals, fighting various infections and bouncing around on multiple types of ventilators doing their best to keep her underdeveloped and fragile lungs expanded, she was finally given a tracheostomy and g-tube last November and began to thrive in earnest. She is expected to have the trach until she is 2 or 3, when time and growth has allowed new and healthy lung tissue to outnumber the damaged stuff. She came home at last on March 21, 2013 and turned one in May. She is growing—flourishing even, at home—and blowing our minds on a daily basis.

VivianNow

So yeah…that’s been my reality lately and that’s where I’ve been. I’m hoping to share a lot more details about this stuff here over the coming weeks…months…years. Who knows? And I reserve the right to talk about frivolous shit as well. Here’s hoping you won’t mind joining me.

PS: This blog is full of broken links, outdated info, and is generally a mess. Bear with me as I remodel…

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2 Comments »

  1. Moe says:

    So glad to see you blogging again!

  2. Cruz sundquist says:

    Yay! You write so well.

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